Personal Safety Nets®
by Judy Pigott
and Dr. John Gibson
Table of Contents
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Foreword
xvii
Acknowledgments
xxiii
Introduction
xxvii
Chapter 1: Understand Personal
Safety Nets® 1
What Is a Care-Share Team?
2
Nuns to the Rescue 4
When Is a Care-Share Team Needed?
5
Tony Calls Up a Finance-Savvy
Team 5
Paul Shares His Secret
6
Specific Care-Share Teams
9
Thirteen Years with No Sign
of Stopping 9
Connie's Co-workers Step In
11
Johnny Tried to Catch a Piano
13
Who's In and Who's Out?
15
Get Ready 16
Chapter 2: Think It Through
17
Basic Interpersonal Human Needs
17
When Will I Lose My Hair, Mommy?
18
Entering New Territory
20
What Is It Like to Be Sick?
20
Receiving Care Is an Art
22
Facing Your Own Death
23
Casting a Safety Net
25
Should I Start a Care-Share
Team? 26
Bill Cries, "I Lost My Wife"
27
Ron Takes the Step and Asks
30
Look at Your Motivations
32
Clarifying Questions
32
Set Realistic Expectations
34
Megan's Story 35
Assume You Have Needs, Too
37
Martha 38
Get Ready 39
Chapter 3: Ask for Help
41
Jim's Help-Appeal Phone Call
42
Sarah's Dilemma: Home or Nursing
Home? 43
Ted's E-mail to Warren's High-Tech
Work Group 45
Lisa's Letter to Her Fourth-Grade
Classmates 45
Sue Steps In 46
Mary and Sid's Letter to Their
Congregation 47
Practice Will Help 48
Barriers to Asking for Help
49
If I Ask, Can I Trust You to
Say No? 51
Barriers to Saying "I'll Help"
52
Rosa's Telephone Message to
Patricia before Her First Chemo 53
It's Hard to Ask 54
Alfonso's Help Appeal: Update
E-mail to His Team 54
Marty's Letter to the Firm's
Partners 55
Olie's E-mail: Important Changes
in My Life 56
Jeff's Waiting-Room Thoughts
57
Friends and Relatives Respond
to Help Appeal 58
Steve's Voice-Mail Offer to
Help 59
E-mail Messages Responding
to Mariah's Help Appeal 60
Jenny and Ray Respond
63
Glenn's Invitation and the
Response 63
What Can I Offer? 65
Get Ready 66
Chapter 4: Take the First Steps
67
What Might Be Needed?
69
Ann's Story 70
A Strong Professional Team
Leader Was Required 71
Appoint a Leader 72
Susan Stewart 73
Plan the First Meeting
74
Calendar 76
Establish Some Ground Rules
77
My Grandparents' Story
80
Clarify Vision and Values
80
Dan and Corie's Values
81
Trisha's Move 82
Manage Choices and Decisions
83
Saying No to Grandma
84
Crystal's Cystic Fibrosis
86
Handle the Complexities of
Money 87
More about Martha 88
Review Medications 89
Figure Out What's Needed
90
Will's Prostate Cancer: Ken
as Team Leader 91
Tori's Challenge: John's Humor
93
Ed's Care-Share Team Keeps
Growing 94
Floyd's Story 96
Get Ready 98
Chapter 5: Keep the Team Going
99
Schedule Ongoing Meetings
100
Care Partner as Care-Team Member
102
Communicate 103
Phone Tree 105
Violet's Selective Communication
106
Honor Your Commitments
108
Build Trust 109
Enter Carefully into Someone
Else's Life 111
Take Care of Yourself
112
Respect Boundaries and Roles
113
Only Friends 115
Play and Rejuvenate
116
Keep Rituals and Traditions
117
Rita's Good-bye to Her Home
118
Get Ready 119
Chapter 6: Know What to Expect
121
Loss of Privacy 121
Catherine Protects Benjamin's
Privacy 122
Difficult Feelings for Everyone
123
Brigitte's Story 124
Intense Emotions 125
A Family Reacts to Nellie's
Stroke 127
Beth's Story 129
Burnout 130
Symptoms of Burnout
131
Jody: Care Plan for the Caregiver
134
Needing Time for Yourself
135
Loraine's Tale 135
Gary's Final Straw 137
Life As a Medical Problem
140
Tina's World Got Smaller and
"Medicalized" 140
Lack of Stability 143
Wendall's Search for Emotional
Stability 144
Judgments about Illness
145
Loss of Perspective
146
June Finds Her Wings
147
Get Ready 148
Chapter 7: Watch for Stumbling
Blocks 149
Emotional Traps 149
Elizabeth and Her Daughter
150
Too Many Needs 152
Mix-Ups 153
The Bossy Person 154
A Crabby Care Partner
155
Ben's Anger after His Stroke
155
Fears 157
Care Partner's Fears
157
Team Members' Fears
157
Norma's Fear of Retirement
Homes 158
Depression 160
Guide to Recognizing Depression
161
Loss of Control 162
Sharon and Rosie 164
Too Much Help 165
Get Ready 166
Chapter 8: Prepare to Say Good-Bye
167
Maria Lives 168
Endings and Beginnings
169
Deborah's Many Good-Byes
171
Martha's Gift to Her Friends
173
Saying Good-Bye to Team Members
173
Vivian Needed to End Care-Sharing
Team Membership 174
Leaving under Rocky Circumstances
175
Care Team Disaster 176
When the Care Partner Recovers
177
Martin Comes Full Circle
177
When the Care Partner Dies
178
Good-Bye Dad: I Love You
178
Sam's Story: A Clash of Cultures
and Rituals 179
Rest in Peace 181
A Celebration of Ginny's Life
183
Grief 101 184
A Cut Finger 184
Ezra Makes Peace with His Grief
and Anger 185
The Grief Process 187
Cycles of Loss 189
Cycles of Loss Diagram
191
Helping Someone Who Is Grieving
193
Things That Hurt 194
Things That Helped 194
Children Grieve, Too
195
Get Ready 196
Conclusion 197
Bibliography 199
Resources 209
Personal Invitation to Readers
218
Care-Sharing Story Contact
Information 219
About the Authors 221
Recent Endorsements
223